Pylit/Transcript
school bell rings* August: Yes, mom, I got here safe... no, I didn't have any problems finding out where to go. Alright, alright, I'll call you if there's an emergency. Ok. Love you too... bye. *beep* Paranoid bitch. Kevin: *whistling* Scarlett! Oh man, it feels like forever since we've seen each other! Scarlett: *sigh* You make that sound like it's a bad thing... Kevin: Either way, now that we're together again, I say we celebrate the new school year with, oh, I don't know, dinner and a movie tonight? Scarlett: You're kidding... Kevin: No, I'm Kevin. Scarlett: Look, in case you didn't get the update, you and me are BROKEN UP. Kevin: What?! Since when?! Scarlett: Since 8 MONTHS ago. I updated my Facebook status as 'single', remember? Kevin: Yeahhh... I still think you should've told me in person. Scarlett: I COULD'VE. But if I told you in person, you'd say something BACK and then I'd have to hear you talk... and I just couldn't do that. Speaking of which-- Kevin: Oh COME ON... you know you still have feelings for me. Remember our first date? That night we shared together. We looked into each other's eyes right before I snuck my hand up your skirt and tickled your vagi-- *beep* (mute) *glass breaking* -- I mean SURE you proceeded to throw me out the window but I really felt a connection as I fell to the ground and broke my arm. August: Kevin, are you still chasing after Scarlett? You two have been broken up since the middle of junior year. Kevin: Trust me, August, she's just playing hard to get. August: No, you're playing hard to get RID OF... Kevin: Look, at SOME point she's gonna give in and admit her true feelings for me. It's only a matter of time. August: Kevin, even TIME thinks you have no chance with her. *beeping noises* Maybe if you tried acting a little less like a perverted jerk and more like a gentleman-- and not the Psy kind of gentleman where you just dance and push every button on the elevator-- like an ACTUAL gentleman, she might have second thoughts. Kevin: Come on August, get with the program. Don't you watch shows on MTV? Hot girls always go for the complete assholes! I... don't understand it, but then again, I don't question it either. August: Well maybe you should... Kevin: Why? I'm getting great results! August: What are you doing? Kevin: Just texting Scarlett. *vibrating* *notification sound* *vibrating* See? *gun cocks* *music* Penny: *exhale* Um, hello, I'm Penny. Would you mind if I sat with you guys? Scarlett: You're... new here, aren't you? Penny: Yes actually. I used to go to Trevington High. But I transferred to Hartlane for my senior year. Scarlett: That explains it... Penny: Explains what? Scarlett: Explains why you think you can just TALK to me without me first talking to YOU. Penny: Well, I thought I'd save you the trouble and just introduce myself. That way you get to know me and things don't seem so awkward. *awkward silence* Scarlett: You mean like... how things are right NOW? Penny: Um... yeahh... Scarlett: Look, I would be... MORE than happy to be your friend. But, in order for that to happen, you'd have to do everything I say, follow me everywhere I go, and engage in everything I'm interested in. Penny: That doesn't sound very appealing. Scarlett: Well my friends don't seem to think so. Friend 1: Oh yeah, we LOVE Scarlett! Friend 2: We're the best, best friends ever! Friend 3: What they said! Penny: Well, if we ARE going to be friends, I was thinking we could go to this concert on Friday. Scarlett: A concert, huh? Who's playing? Bruno Mars? Taylor Swift? Penny: Reel Big Fish! *awkward silence* Should I take that second dose of awkward silence as a MAYBE? Scarlett: No, you should take it as a 'Go away, you fucking hipster'. Penny: I'm not a hipster just because I like different music than you. Scarlett: Yeah, you might wanna look up the word hipster... now if you could do me a favor and take about 3 steps back. Penny: Yeah, I'm not doing that. Scarlett: Well either way, we're DONE talking. Penny: quietly Fucking bitch... *music* tone H-hey, can I-- Female voice 1: Sorry, this table is full... Penny: Hi, my name is-- Female voice 2: Sorry, this seat's reserved for someone else. Penny: Uhh...? Female voice 3: No. Penny: *sigh* Kevin: I'm telling you the bloke looked just like Nick Swardson. He was sitting across from me eating a donut... and I SHOULD'VE got his attention. August: Why would Nick Swardson be in this town's Dunkin' Donuts? And even if it WAS Nick Swardson... it's Nick Swardson. Not that big of a deal. Penny: Um, hi, my name's Penny. Kevin and August together: Uhhhhhhhhhh....... Penny: I was wondering if I could sit here? Kevin and August together: Uhhhhhhhhhh....... Penny: Or is this table only for the disabled? August: Well-- Kevin: Eeeeeexcuuuuuse us for a second. August: Why are we even questioning this? I see no reason why she can't sit with us. Kevin: Are you mental?! We're trying to improve our image this year. How do you think our image will look if we let some random girl we don't know into our gang? August: Ok, who tries to improve their image in their last year of high school? And besides, we already have one girl in our group, I don't see why we can't have another. Kevin: Yeah, but Nicole is a LESBIAN. August: Well, maybe Penny's a lesbian. Penny: I'm not. August: She's not. Kevin: I KNOW. I heard. Penny: You know what? Forget it... *music* *glass breaking* August: Wait, wait! O-of course you can... sit with us, we're just playing around. *ring* *punch* *ring* *squeak* I'm August, like the month. Kevin: I'm Kevin, like the bacon. Penny: Heeheehee, I see. And what's YOUR name? *music* *knocking* *horn* Nicole: Nicole... Penny: Ohhhhh! My cousin's dog's name is Nicole! Nicole: Wow, you really dug deep for that comparison, didn't you? Penny: Sooo... I take it you guys are twins? Dom and Tom together: How did you know? Dom: I'm Dom. Tom: And I'm Tom. Penny: Wow, those are... really similar names. I imagine people have a hard time telling you two apart. Dom: Well, Dom is short for Dominic. Penny: Oh, right! And I assume Tom is short for-- Tom: Tominic. Kevin: Wwwwwell. This has been a... great introduction. Now, if you guys will excuse me, I'm gonna go see how Scarlett's doing. Don't wait up. Hey, Scarlett! I-- WOAH! *crashing noise* *laughing* *music* Penny: Does this happen every time he makes an ass of himself? August: Yeeaahhh, it's funny but it distracts from the narrative. *music* Ms. Delite: Hello everyone. Welcome to English 4, your final English course of your high school career. My name is Ms. Delite and I will be your English teacher for the next 9 months. I know it's been a long time and you're all probably ready to graduate, but I can guarantee you're going to really enjoy this year and-- yes, uh, what's your name? Drew: Drew, and uh, I just wanna know ahead of time, uh... are you one of those crazy teachers? Ms. Delite: Who the fuck are you calling cra-- *claps hand on mouth* uh, what do you mean by that? Drew: Well, it's come to my attention that there always seems to be at least one completely batshit insane teacher in every TV comedy show that takes place in school. Like Community, China Illinois, pretty much every show on Nickelodeon nowadays, i-it's just become sort of a... tired trope. Ms. Delite: Well, maybe you've been watching too much GOD DAMN TV-- I mean, it's perfectly understandable that you would-- Drew: Actually, you're probably right, I have been watching too much... god damn TV. Ms. Delite: Okay then, moving right along... as you all know, over the summer, you were assigned to read 'The Stranger' by Albert Camus and write an essay on how Meursault and Marie's views of their relationship differ. *low beeping* *punch* Now, you should have all handed in your essay at the beginning of class. For the rest of the period, I will be grading them and handing them back at the end of class so you all know what you can improve on... *sigh* this motherfucker again. Yes, Drew? Drew: What if, hypothetically speaking, I didn't do the essay? Ms. Delite: That's okay, you'll have a chance to hand it in at the end of the week for half credit. Drew: Really? Ms. Delite: HELL NO! Who do you think I teach? Sophomores? *punch noise* *vibrating* *beep* Kevin: through cell phone You know, Scarlett, I'd like to give you an 'F'... heard if you know what I-- *punch* Penny: Why are you so obsessed with that girl? She's a total C-U-N-T. Kevin: Oh, what is with Americans being allergic to that word? If someone's a C**T, just call them a C**T... no she's NOT a c**t. Nicole: Don't try to persuay him... he's a lost cause. Penny: Well, you gotta admire his persistence. Nicole: You call it persistence. I call it ignorance. Penny: You don't like him, do you? Nicole: You could say he's a huge reason why I'm gay. I just hang out with him because he's friends with August. Why August hangs out with him, I have no idea. I only assume it's to make himself look smarter by comparison. Hell, Kevin could make a fetus look like Neil deGrasse Tyson. August: Well, I'm not surprised... Kevin: I am! August: Yeah, well, a C for you is like an A for everyone else, except maybe Drew. Drew: Ah, you both got an A, huh? Well, good job. You know what you two are? Fortunate accomplished geniuses. Dom and Tom together: Thank you. Drew: Ah, don't mention it. Well, see you later fags! *music* *record skip noise* Drew his head: Come on, come on, you're straight, you're STRAIGHT. You're Italian, therefore you are straight. August: Hey Penny, what did you get? Penny: Um, I'd rather not say. August: Why not? Penny: I'd... I'd just rather not. August: Penny, do you really think I'm gonna judge you based off of a grade you got in school? I can already tell you're a smart girl. I'm only asking because, we're, you know, friends now. I mean, we sat at the same lunch table for over half an hour, I think that pretty much makes it official. Penny: I got a C. August: Oh, well, when you put it like that, you make it sound like it's the worst thing ever. Kevin: You got a C too? Wow. And here I thought you were smart. *clank* *punching noise* Penny: I usually do better than this. But, over the summer, we had a lot of stuff to do as far as moving and switching schools was concerned. I guess I just didn't have enough time to make this worth an A. Kevin: Well, you didn't do any better than us. Take that however you want. August: Yeah, I can't really see a situation where someone takes that as a compliment. Penny: Heeheehee....... um, excuse me guys, I need to use the bathroom. August: Okay. Kevin: Have a nice period. Scarlett: You know, it's kind of sad really. I mean Penny could have been one of us. But instead, she decided to hang out with those guys. Friend 1: I know, what's her problem? Friend 2: Tell me about it. Friend 3: What they said. Scarlett: Well, I respect her decision. Some girls are meant to fit in with other girls while others just... weren't born that way. *music* August: Look, I said it before, and I'm gonna keep saying it. That jacket is too bright. Kevin: Well, it definitely gets people's attention. I figure it makes them think, 'Hey, this guy is a unique, fun-loving individual who I definitely wouldn't see hanging out with a some kind of chore or torturous experience.' August: Yeah, do they say that before or after they go blind from staring at it for too long? Penny? Penny, w-what's wrong? Why are you crying? Kevin: Maybe she's not crying. Maybe she's just really tired-- yeah, she's definitely crying. August: What happened? Penny crying: It's just... all my life I've been nothing but an outcast to girls my own age. I never fit in with them. They just never accept me as their friend. I've always been either on my own or just hanging around a group of girls as they talk amongst themselves while I just remain silent. And I thought this year would be different. I thought I'd finally be able to have a group of female friends that I could talk to, laugh with, and share things with. But no, I became friends with you guys. August: So, you don't WANNA be our friend? Penny: It's not that. You guys are nice, funny, and diverse. I've known you guys for a day and I love hanging out with you two. But, don't take this the wrong way... but, *sigh* if only you guys were girls. *punching noise* August: Well, there's not much I can really say to this. I mean, I know what it's like to not be accepted. And I know what it's like to not get what I want. But, then again, so does everyone. I mean, there comes a point when you realize that sometimes you just gotta live with what life gives you and just go along with it. Kevin: Penny, he doesn't know what he's talking about. If you want some female friends, eventually, you're gonna get some female friends. If you want something hard enough, you're more motivated to make it happen. August: So, if you want something hard enough, it'll just happen? Yeah, try telling that to a starving African family. Kevin: *sigh* Okay, if you want something hard enough, and you live in America, it'll happen. August: I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and just assume that she's smart enough to not listen to you. Kevin: You think just because you don't always get what you want that means there's never any hope of getting what you want? What matters is you take action to make it happen. August: But more often than not, you don't have the ABILITY to make it happen. Kevin: Well then, you work with what you have and then make the best out of what life gives you, I guess... August: Uh huh. What if life gives you no home, no job, and no money? Kevin: You-- you make lemonade? August: Penny, you have to be a realist. Kevin: You have to be an idealist. Kevin and August together: You have to-- hold on. *music* Kevin singing: ♫ Things you think are unbelievable are actually achievable as long as you keep standing on your feet. ♫ August singing: ♫ That's a little too specific. Tell that to a paraplegic homeless guy living on the sidewalk with nothing to eat. ♫ Kevin singing: ♫ If you don't have any festivity and just have negativity, then there's no chance you'll make it far in life. ♫ Penny: He has a point. August singing: ♫ But if you constantly ignore all the mugging, rape, and war, you might as well have Miley Cyrus as a wife. ♫ Penny: Oh, leave her alone. Kevin singing: ♫ Anything is possible. ♫ August singing: ♫ That's just what we tell ourselves when we have no unique ability. ♫ Kevin singing: ♫ Not everything's an obstacle. ♫ August singing: ♫ The world is full of villainy. ♫ Kevin singing: ♫ And also full of possibility. ♫ *music still going* August: You really think you can get what you want in life that easily? Kevin: Well, not THAT easily. You need patience, persistence, and pretty much everything else you don't have. August: Well, you also need luck, something you definitely don't have. Penny: Guys, I get what you're saying. singing ♫ Some days you're on top and you think nobody can stop you and some days you feel nothing but pain. And some of the time, the sun very brightly shines but too often you're left singing in the rain. ♫ Kevin and August together: Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana. Penny singing: ♫ Things don't always work and you think God's being a jerk, but you can't just complain and throw a hissy fit. We must all try our hardest as a writer or an artist even though you might end up feeling like shit. ♫ *tap dancing* Altogether singing: ♫ Anything is possible. That's just what we tell ourselves when we have no unique ability. Not everything's an obstacle. The world is full of villainy. slowly And also... full of... possibility! ♫ *all laughing* Kevin: Please don't drop m-- AAH! Penny: You guys wanna go to a Reel Big Fish concert this Friday? August: Oh, I love that band! Kevin: Ehh, they're okay. I prefer Five Iron Frenzy. August: Yeah, did I mention Kevin's like the last British Jesus freak on Earth? Kevin: Not because they're a Christian band, I just like how their music sounds. Just like how I like how some of the music from High School Musical sounds. August: God, I remember High School Musical. Fuckin' hated that shit. Penny: Ha! Irony. *credits music* Dom: Are we literally the only ones who saw that? Tom: Nope.